Post by Gamov on Aug 6, 2011 23:28:42 GMT -5
While I'm not sure why this has been reposted here, I'll look over it all the same. For starters, I'm seeing a lot of the same issues present here that were there in your first iteration of this character:
Again, Mandalorian is not a species. It is a culture, a set of ideals, a way of life. He can be a human who believes in the the Mandalorian ideals, but Mandalorian isn't a race.
Again, this is confusing. What do you mean here?
Then I would question why he joined them. The Sith aren't a force that one can just join for the purposes of effecting revenge. Not if you don't plan to get fairly corrupted in the process (after which your cause is moot because you have then become what you set out to destroy).
Sith aren't civilians. They have ranks on par with the Jedi Order. I suggest you take a look at the current Sith faction in order to see what ranks are available for you - Current Factions
Telepathy:1
Body:0
Sense:15
Channel:5
These are very low stats. According to these stats, he is less than incompetent with the Force - he can barely sense its presence. And to this point, I move to this particular section of the bio:
With the stats you have provided thus far for his Force Proficiency, there is no way he could have looked half way across the galaxy to see his parents being killed by a Sith. Also, I'm noticing a discrepancy with the chronology of your bio here.
You say that the death of his parents was what forced his sister to want to fight the Empire, thus resulting in her death and his eventual quest to avenge his family. However, you have him having this mysterious vision of his parents' death after his sister is dead. I am suitably confused by your timeline here. Equally, you go on to explain his training.... At the end of the bio? Those are things that you would want to cover at the beginning or as you progress through the story.
You might want to go back through and reorganize your ideas a bit.
Umm, what? How could he have received Mandalorian training from his mother without knowing it? He'd have to be one pretty dense kid not to connect the dots.
Well, that's a logic fail if I've ever seen one. Excuse the snark in my comment, but I cannot fathom why his parents would leave him and his sister to go fight some war and say "oh, by the way son, learn to fight without your eyes while we're gone."
That's just not going to happen. Not on his own. He would need some real training to learn how to be any good with that ability.
Once again, as Cain said in your first version of this app, you do not create a wishlist under this section. The only things that should be here are any ships, troops, droids or vehicles you have purchased from the Military Supplies board.
Overall, Kathick, this bio still presents many of the same problems as the first version did. While I see you did add some sections on his training, I don't see much that speaks to his specializations as a martial artist or a leader. There was no mention of him having learned any of the hand to hand skills you have listed. Nor was there anything close to an example of him leading troops in battle.
To me, Dante appears to be more of a loner than a leader. A crusader fighting to avenge his family's name, not a soldier looking to lead a great campaign against the evil forces of the galaxy. Your bio will definitely need to be far more detailed than what you have here if you hope to achieve even a fraction of what you have set out to accomplish here.
Species:half Human Half Mandalorian
Again, Mandalorian is not a species. It is a culture, a set of ideals, a way of life. He can be a human who believes in the the Mandalorian ideals, but Mandalorian isn't a race.
Personality:Dante is very Honor driven, living his life by a code he spends most of his free time meditating, or thinking of Battle strategies in his personal quarters so that no one else besides the Jedi and Sith with their deceptive mind tricks.
Again, this is confusing. What do you mean here?
After the death of his little sister Sivanna Dante swore vengeance against the Sith.
Then I would question why he joined them. The Sith aren't a force that one can just join for the purposes of effecting revenge. Not if you don't plan to get fairly corrupted in the process (after which your cause is moot because you have then become what you set out to destroy).
Character Rank: Civilian
Sith aren't civilians. They have ranks on par with the Jedi Order. I suggest you take a look at the current Sith faction in order to see what ranks are available for you - Current Factions
Telekinesis: 1
Telepathy:1
Body:0
Sense:15
Channel:5
These are very low stats. According to these stats, he is less than incompetent with the Force - he can barely sense its presence. And to this point, I move to this particular section of the bio:
Jade Vash notesed that she could feel a strong presence of the force strong within Dante but it was a mixed amount of emotions both terrible and great, there was much fear and despair for his mother and father it was like Dante could tell what was going on half way across the galaxy to his mother and father. Looking down to the young boy she asked “what do you see Dante?” looking up to the old woman with pail eyes he spoke in a calm but at the same time frustrated and worried tone. “I feel their hurt Granny Jade.” Confused at the notion Jade tilted her head “who?” closing his eyes Dante almost felt like he could see his mother and father fighting against the Sith who would later kill his only sister. Watching him dash forward leaving lines against the wall where each light saber dragged against it he sliced each of them in half.
With the stats you have provided thus far for his Force Proficiency, there is no way he could have looked half way across the galaxy to see his parents being killed by a Sith. Also, I'm noticing a discrepancy with the chronology of your bio here.
You say that the death of his parents was what forced his sister to want to fight the Empire, thus resulting in her death and his eventual quest to avenge his family. However, you have him having this mysterious vision of his parents' death after his sister is dead. I am suitably confused by your timeline here. Equally, you go on to explain his training.... At the end of the bio? Those are things that you would want to cover at the beginning or as you progress through the story.
You might want to go back through and reorganize your ideas a bit.
Throught living as a farmer for a good portion of his life, Dante was being trained without knowing mostly it was his mandalorian mother who pushed him and made him strive to become stronger
Umm, what? How could he have received Mandalorian training from his mother without knowing it? He'd have to be one pretty dense kid not to connect the dots.
“sweet Dante there is one last lession you must learn without me, my only Son you must learn to fight without the aid of your eyes.
Well, that's a logic fail if I've ever seen one. Excuse the snark in my comment, but I cannot fathom why his parents would leave him and his sister to go fight some war and say "oh, by the way son, learn to fight without your eyes while we're gone."
That's just not going to happen. Not on his own. He would need some real training to learn how to be any good with that ability.
Purchases: (Wish list: Two Vibro shields [if able I would like to make this myself they will be in the shape of two Bucklers one strapped to each arm] 2 Star Destroyers, and a Super Star Destroyer, one yellow light saber)
Once again, as Cain said in your first version of this app, you do not create a wishlist under this section. The only things that should be here are any ships, troops, droids or vehicles you have purchased from the Military Supplies board.
Overall, Kathick, this bio still presents many of the same problems as the first version did. While I see you did add some sections on his training, I don't see much that speaks to his specializations as a martial artist or a leader. There was no mention of him having learned any of the hand to hand skills you have listed. Nor was there anything close to an example of him leading troops in battle.
To me, Dante appears to be more of a loner than a leader. A crusader fighting to avenge his family's name, not a soldier looking to lead a great campaign against the evil forces of the galaxy. Your bio will definitely need to be far more detailed than what you have here if you hope to achieve even a fraction of what you have set out to accomplish here.