Post by Zilfer on Apr 22, 2010 18:25:15 GMT -5
Entry #1
It is in one's nature to run away from anything that would hurt you. Many people I have known shoulder some burden or another, and each deal with it one way or another. I have come to realize that in this I put off what bothers me instead of facing it, only to have it resurface at different time. Perhaps it is natural instinct that causes us to turn away in fear rather then face the jaws of despair.
I haven't had time to sit still since Revans death, and have moved from place to place. It was this that sustained my existence for the longest of times. Sealed away within myself I have lacked personal growth as well as alienated myself from those drawn to me. The time I spent learning how to be Lord Nanashi was another escape from the reality that faced me at every turn. I believed it to be unfair, that power was what I lacked.
I know now this is not true, Power for the sake of power only leads to a self dominating quest that ultimately destroys your body, mind, and spirit. While power is a means to an end it cannot be your singular focus. Cain taught me many things and some of them I still hold to be true. Power is not an evil thing, but the pull to aspire to heights beyond your reach often leaves a trail of casualties. Give a beggar infinite wealth and he will soon discover that he can buy more then just food. The key is keeping moderation, and I will seek to strive for it.
When I look now at the teachings of my Masters, both Revan and Cain I realize that they found their answers through the life they have lived. Never did they teach me something I did not know on a subconscious level. The teachings of the Kumori and Sith are similar in the fact that they believe in freedom of the self. Ones actions are not defined by black and white but rather shades of grey. I admit at being a failure in both philosophies. Their teachings have brought me to places I do not wish to be, and glimpses at the Jedi's teachings are not for me either.
Perhaps one of the most profound things that have come from these teachings is the discipline and control I maintain, but also the cold distance I hold to those around me. This often lead to feelings of animosity to those around me, shown during my days of Lord Nanashi. Some have tried to break me from my unnatural habit of being secluded within myself and sharing my feelings and suspicions with only myself. Yuki Uramachi has attempted perhaps a bit too strongly, to reveal the emotions the lie beneath the calm placid surface, like the unsuspecting lake almost mirror like in appearance. A lake hiding a mighty hydra. She has followed me faithfully anywhere I have gone, and waited for me when disappearing without a second thought to those around me. It is a mystery to me of how she can hold so much patience for one such at me.
This inability to open up has cost me in the end, of perhaps alliances that I know not of. I wonder of the students I have taught whether Zilfer or Nanashi if they have truly learned as I have learned. Have I passed down the teachings of the Sith onto the unsuspecting minds of my pupils? I do not know their fate, and I suspect I shall never know.
This leads me to question my purpose for existence which has always been a question in the back of my head since I first came into existence. Naive, perhaps I am still but in my time I have learned much. I was created by a dark lord of the sith, and I have served the dark lord of the sith, is it my destiny to be a tool of the darkside? They say the way you are raised determine who you are, and if that is so then I have no family to speak of only a respect for my creator, Revan. I remember the years of wondering not knowing why I had been created. Seeing children and wondering why I never remembered being that small.
It is these things that have drawn me to a single decision, of which I make consciously. I have chosen to live my life undefined by the teachings of the Sith, Kumori, and Jedi. Surely I will listen and learn of each of them still, but I will only take what I believe from each of them. I will hold onto my morals of which I had until recently thrown out the window. Though I may be weakened by them, I'll grow stronger for it. I find myself believing that the force is above such philosophies that humans or sentients alike put onto it, and as such the force can only ever truly be defined as would a god. The force is simply, the force. Nothing more and nothing less.... this is what I must believe for my sanity....
It is in one's nature to run away from anything that would hurt you. Many people I have known shoulder some burden or another, and each deal with it one way or another. I have come to realize that in this I put off what bothers me instead of facing it, only to have it resurface at different time. Perhaps it is natural instinct that causes us to turn away in fear rather then face the jaws of despair.
I haven't had time to sit still since Revans death, and have moved from place to place. It was this that sustained my existence for the longest of times. Sealed away within myself I have lacked personal growth as well as alienated myself from those drawn to me. The time I spent learning how to be Lord Nanashi was another escape from the reality that faced me at every turn. I believed it to be unfair, that power was what I lacked.
I know now this is not true, Power for the sake of power only leads to a self dominating quest that ultimately destroys your body, mind, and spirit. While power is a means to an end it cannot be your singular focus. Cain taught me many things and some of them I still hold to be true. Power is not an evil thing, but the pull to aspire to heights beyond your reach often leaves a trail of casualties. Give a beggar infinite wealth and he will soon discover that he can buy more then just food. The key is keeping moderation, and I will seek to strive for it.
When I look now at the teachings of my Masters, both Revan and Cain I realize that they found their answers through the life they have lived. Never did they teach me something I did not know on a subconscious level. The teachings of the Kumori and Sith are similar in the fact that they believe in freedom of the self. Ones actions are not defined by black and white but rather shades of grey. I admit at being a failure in both philosophies. Their teachings have brought me to places I do not wish to be, and glimpses at the Jedi's teachings are not for me either.
Perhaps one of the most profound things that have come from these teachings is the discipline and control I maintain, but also the cold distance I hold to those around me. This often lead to feelings of animosity to those around me, shown during my days of Lord Nanashi. Some have tried to break me from my unnatural habit of being secluded within myself and sharing my feelings and suspicions with only myself. Yuki Uramachi has attempted perhaps a bit too strongly, to reveal the emotions the lie beneath the calm placid surface, like the unsuspecting lake almost mirror like in appearance. A lake hiding a mighty hydra. She has followed me faithfully anywhere I have gone, and waited for me when disappearing without a second thought to those around me. It is a mystery to me of how she can hold so much patience for one such at me.
This inability to open up has cost me in the end, of perhaps alliances that I know not of. I wonder of the students I have taught whether Zilfer or Nanashi if they have truly learned as I have learned. Have I passed down the teachings of the Sith onto the unsuspecting minds of my pupils? I do not know their fate, and I suspect I shall never know.
This leads me to question my purpose for existence which has always been a question in the back of my head since I first came into existence. Naive, perhaps I am still but in my time I have learned much. I was created by a dark lord of the sith, and I have served the dark lord of the sith, is it my destiny to be a tool of the darkside? They say the way you are raised determine who you are, and if that is so then I have no family to speak of only a respect for my creator, Revan. I remember the years of wondering not knowing why I had been created. Seeing children and wondering why I never remembered being that small.
It is these things that have drawn me to a single decision, of which I make consciously. I have chosen to live my life undefined by the teachings of the Sith, Kumori, and Jedi. Surely I will listen and learn of each of them still, but I will only take what I believe from each of them. I will hold onto my morals of which I had until recently thrown out the window. Though I may be weakened by them, I'll grow stronger for it. I find myself believing that the force is above such philosophies that humans or sentients alike put onto it, and as such the force can only ever truly be defined as would a god. The force is simply, the force. Nothing more and nothing less.... this is what I must believe for my sanity....
